State-administered death is always a greater horror than any other by virtue of the methodical reasoning that precedes it. French philosopher Albert Camus wrote that "capital punishment is the most premeditated of murders". "The United States' concept of justifiable homicide/Executions in criminal law stands on the dividing line between an excuse, justification and an exculpation. In other words, it takes a case that would otherwise have been a murder or another crime representing intentional killing, and either excuses or justifies the individual accused from all criminal liability or treats the accused differently from other intentional killers.


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Carlton A. Turner  

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Home Guestbook Blog -For a talk and MediaNews
Poetry more Poetry - October 2007 Book:"Nechronomistic" ISBN:  3-937034-93-5  by Carlton A. Turner
Rant's & Raves III After September 27th, 2007 Interview - May 23, 2008 New Book Project,started June 2007: "To Hell - Farewell !"
Rant's & Raves II   ...."knit until death" Texas reflection of Humanity by Jacquielynn Floyd !!! New Execution date set July 10th 2008 
GoldenPeoples.com
Rant's & Raves I In Memory of Carlton A. Turner

 

PHOENIX :  PET OF GOD”

 

For those who missed out on current events, on September 27, 2007 I was taken to the Walls Unit in Huntsville , Texas to be executed at approximately 6pm.  However, the execution was held up and at approximately 10:15pm.  I was granted a stay of execution.  This, my friend, is the simple story from the outside.  For those “Blessed” with Understanding – we know that Life is truly experienced on the inside.  So, let me take you there.  .. Inside the Death House; inside my Spirit and Soul, where the true battle was fought!  

During the weeks and days leading up to September 27th, I was surrounded by the Love of friends and adopted extended family.  They all expressed their Love in various ways and since God is Love, I was enveloped in the blanket of God.  During this time I felt nothing but warmth and comfort.  No worry, no anger, no hate, and no sadness.  I had already understood that if I was executed, I am promised to enter the Kingdom of God as a pure being through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  I saw no reason to fret, but negativity did threaten to stop me of the Peace”Blessed” upon me.  Yet, I stood firm on my Faith in God and strength to resist the temptation of the devil was granted me.  The devil knew me well and knew that I was very weak to resist confrontation.  With this same strength I reflected the Love of God upon my loved ones and in turn they also grew much stronger in Love and Faith.  Not only are they witnesses to my Faith and Peace, they are also participants.    

There were a few who thought that I should be praying for a stay of execution, but what I had to explain to these people is that my fate is to confront Death and accept the consequences of my past actions.  There are negative and positive consequences within all actions.  For some, these consequences may seem fair and for others it’s unfair.  Either way, we still have to accept them or live in denial or delusion.  One of the most important things I’ve learned lately is to accept reality for what it is; instead of what I wish it to be or how I think it’s supposed to be.  This way I can interact with Life in a more clear light and work to make it better for the future.  With that in mind, I fully intended to die on September 27th, due to the unfair consequences of my past actions which were ignorant, hateful and dishonorable.  

See… there was a time when I was a twisted and immature person with a romantic idea of Death.  I was an agent of Chaos and Death.  It was a conscious choice I made within a ritual awareness of a Blood Oath.  This was no vague concept.  It was deliberate and calculated in my youthful angst (torment) and ignorance.  I’ve lived all of my Life as an outcast child and scapegoat.  I was a nonconformist by birth and prided myself on going left instead of right like the herd.  I went through a lot of misery because of this.. I blamed this suffering on my peers and fell in Love with my darkness.  I believed my Hate to be strong and Love to be weakness, because every time I opened my heart to others, they hurt me.  The closer they got to me, the more they hurt me.  I was too weak a person to fight the Hate building inside of my Heart.  I didn’t know how to forgive or turn the other check.  All I knew was to lash out with vengeance.  This is how I protected myself form pain.  I was blind to the Love in this world.  Displays of affection make me jealous and sick.  All I wanted was immediate gratification and revenge!  I was lonely and miserable.  Very few things make me happy and most of those things were illegal or antisocial/deviant behavior.  I did learn a lot form this path of holes and mountains, but it was mostly negativity.  I learned a lot about the destructive element of this world and how to apply it.  I dedicated myself to it and it became me.  

I knew no Love – only obsession and jealousy.  No happiness in achievement – only malice and discontent in failure.  I accepted this as my fate to never be “Loved” or know happiness.  This make me self-destructive and even my good intentions were tainted by destructive virtues.  These things made me into an immature man whose romantic notions of Death made him a murderer, someone with no value of Life or concept of Love…  An agent of Death!  With these romantic notions of righteousness through misery, this ignorant man killed 2 people and felt justified for 7 years.  His answer was Death to the problem he thought to be the center of his misery throughout Life.  People who he thought to threaten his whole Life with suffering and torment.  I can remember how he felt, but now I see the twisted and deranged way of his thought process.  He pointed his finger outwards, but the Truth lay inside of himself, but he was blinded by Hate.  When he killed those 2 people, he fully intended to kill himself.  He knew that he would get the Death Penalty.  He even asked for it.  His last victim was to be me!  

Now, this idiot didn’t ever think that he’d ever grow up to be me.  He never thought that he’d feel Love and avoided it at all costs.  He thought he knew enough about Life to judge its worth and threw it away.  All it offered was a parade of things that he couldn’t have and to watch other people he hated possess those treasures.  He thought that unconditional Love and God was a myth of delusion of grandeur.  Well, I stand as proof that this moron was wrong. Misled and over-educated!  That immature man passed on by the grace of God’s mercy.  Out of that dark cocoon emerged the man who accepted this fate of Death he inherited from past sins.  Instead I chose to focus on the positive aspects of the rest of my Life here on Earth.  The negative existed, but the positive far outweighed it!  

So, as I rode in the van to the Death House with the intentions of submitting to the dept of my past identity, I thanked God for the Love and Mercy He has shown by granting me eternal Life in the Kingdom of Heaven .  I thanked God for the time spent in the darkness of my former self as it had given me a clear view of the torture I could have suffered for eternity.  A torment I had earned.  Yet, undeservingly, I was spared that fate and I fully appreciated it and acknowledge that in no vague terms that I was given a gift more precious that the Earth could hold.  I thanked God for a beautiful and precious woman to come in my Life to fulfill the position of a Lover.  He blessed me with other friends ready and willing to carry on my legacy of Love and art.  God gave me more than I could ever ask for.  Happiness and joy I didn’t even want!  The threat of Death wasn’t even something to blink at.  

As a matter of fact, I looked forward to Facing Death.  I felt like, since I had turned my back on Death and Chaos, it would do its best to exact revenge.  As an agent of Death in the past, I felt protected by it and believed it to be the master of all Life.  I thought that it had the power to take the body I dedicated to it.  I believed that this flesh and bone belonged to it.  Yet, I came to understand in all clarity that my Life truly lay within and could not be touched and it was granted eternity in the Kingdom of God once it transcended this flesh and bone.  This confrontation was to shine victory in God’s name through my Life.  To show Death that it no longer held mastery over me.  To break ties with who I used to be and bring that chapter in Earth’s history to a close.  I intended my death to complete my redemption on this plane.  I did not desire a stay of execution.  

On top of that, I didn’t want to put my friends and family through this process again.  Though I was to die, it is the people around me that would hurt the most.  Can you understand that?  My Loved ones were the ones left behind to be hurt.  Killing me was only to bring more pain into this world.  More Hate and misery!  If I were to have gotten a “stay” for any of the legal issues in my appeals, it would only have been temporary and ruled inconsequential, then another day of execution would be set.  I have no doubt about that, so I wasn’t looking forward to any “stay”.  Heaven was my future!  And only plan!  There was no fear or malice in my Heart for that.  

 When I arrived at the Death House I was immediately failed with the atmosphere it had to offer.  Even though everything was clean and seemed freshly painted, the lights pitched a sickly yellow glow that makes it look like a dungeon.  I was released from my restraints and strip searched before being fingerprinted twice.  Nobody really displayed an overly aggressive attitude and seemed to actually be cordial and professional.  I we escorted to a very small cell that had to be about 10 feet away from the Death Chamber.  I briefly spoke to the assistant Warden of the Unit and then Chaplain came to explain the process ahead.  The environment around me was full of dread due to that sick lighting and circumstances.  Yet, though it surrounded me, it did not penetrate my essence.  I kept me calm and peace through the grace of God’s comfort.  I maintained my positivty even after being told that the Chaplain on Polunski Unit had lost the phone numbers that I needed to call my loved ones.  I forgave and moved on!  

Between 2pm and 3pm, I spoke to the Chaplain and even prayed with him.  We spent most of the time just getting to know each other a little.  I spoke on my recent experiences with Life and how much God has “Blessed” me before he took his leave for the moment to speak with the witnesses at the Hospitality House.  I was moved to a cell next to next to the one I was already in which had a metal mesh in front of it and my spiritual advisor Mr. Roland Espada was allowed in.  From 3pm to 4pm we visited on a Fellowship level and discussed some scripture on Death and how Jesus Christ had died to prevent our Death – which I took as only a spiritual manifestation, even though I was read the story about Shadrach, Meshack, and Abendego.  I actually learned something I wasn’t aware of, because I was not aware that the Son of God appeared in the history of the Old Testament.  When the brothers were saved from the fires they were throw in for refusing to bow to an effigy, a form was seen by the King who ordered their Deaths and he said the countenance of another was seen within the fire and looked to be the Son of God!  Hey, you lean something new everyday!  We spoke on a few personal things and around 4pm, he was escorted out.  I was put back in the original cell and the Chaplain called over to the Hospitality House so that I could speak with my wonderful Lady.  At the same time, my “last meal” was brought in and handed to me.  I ate sparingly as I talked to my Love.  Now, as I had mentioned earlier, I was pretty calm, collected and worry-free.  However, two things hit me at one time that that was enough to weigh on me heavily.  This was supposed to be my “last” meal and the “last” time I would hear my Lady’s voice, my Love who had been there for me through this all.  The woman I Love and received Love form unconditionally.  This very special Lady filled the place in me that every man needs full in his Life in order to be completed as a person.  A Soul mate!  My friends, I believed I started having a panic attack… the room got very cold, I could barely breath, I couldn’t even understand the words spoken to me… the more she spoke about the situation, the worse it got.  My heat would not slow down!!!  My Lady listened to my condition as I explained it and she talked me through it.  She helped me calm down enough to think a little and I was able to grab a hold of myself and pray within for strength.  Almost instantly I was filled with calm again.  I finished talking to my Love around 5pm with nothing but Peace and Love in my Heart!  When I hung up that phone, I died!  That was the last thing I had to do in my Life and the most important, after focusing on my Love and nurturing it, by letting my Lady know that I’m okay and that my Love for her is “Forever: - no matter what!  

Between 5 and 5:30pm, I spoke with the Chaplain some more on the Glory of God and how I became to accept Jesus Christ as my sacrifice.  Mainly, it was just my testimony of who I was and how I got here.  However, at 5:30pm the confrontation began.  It was time to face the will of my past Self.  I could feel it come upon me like it just corrupted the air in the room:  Death!  I know Death very well and the presence is unmistakable.  The smell, touch, and even taste was there hovering.  My heart began to beat furiously due to the intensity of this confrontation.  It was not fear, but the intensity one feels before any battle or fight.  Human adrenaline, naturally released for survival!  Yet, this time I was not the predator, but the prey.  I was barely there listening, but I can remember that the Chaplain mentioned that none of the usual sounds before execution were there.  Around 6pm, there was a brief commotion amongst the officers and Chaplain and I just knew this was it.  The intensity increased. But I maintained my composure and stuck my chest out to take a deep breath.  I stared Death down and used my strength to show that I had no fear and faced the consequences as a man with confidence in his victory through God’s salvation!  The commotion was brief and soon everybody sat back down.  The confrontation continued…  

Between 6pm and 6:30pm the confrontation took a twist that was unexpected.  Seeing that Death could not strike fear of frustration into me, the devil stepped form behind his façade and attacked me directly.  In my mind he held up the precious things in my Life that I would be leaving here.   He tried to take away my Peace with mourning for a Life I was done with.  A Life that had run its course!  A Life full of Death!  The devil tried to make Death his tool to strip away victory.  However, I did what I’ve learned to do in Life now – I prayed!  The Chaplain and I prayed for strength together.  With the strength granted through prayer, God helped me to find the positive to destroy temptation.  The devil’s attack became his downfall, because the people he used to try to make me mourn for were the same sources God shone His Love and Glory through to give me comfort.  I focused on this Love and Peace, and as it filled me, once again the devil was defeated by that Love and Glory from God.  I will always have the Love of my friends and family –regardless!  Around 6:30pm, it was over, because God took away Death from me, because I confronted it and defeated the true enemy – the devil!  (That is what Jesus meant for us all to do when He said, “Follow me.”)  Within this Peace, the Kingdom of God came down upon me and taught me a new lesson – Death has no power past God’s will!  God took Death away form me to show me that my so-called confrontation with Death was done in vain and human ego, because Jesus Christ had already taken the keys of Death from the devil.  Victory over Death was already God’s to claim!  Only through my Faith in God was I granted any victory.  That was starkly clear now!!!

During this Peace amidst the Kingdom of God that was upon me, I was confronted with a choice.  Hear me, my friends, God gave me a choice!  I didn’t even deserve this choice.  Since my Life was over as a human with future dreams and virtues, I was truly God’s man.  Each breath I took was for God now.  I belong to God now!  My past is gone.  There is no question of that!!!  The choice I was given was that I could join the kingdom of God in Heaven and the Glory after bodily Death or I could stay on the Earth and join in God’s Kingdom work here on earth with Him as my King… and be amongst the people I Love that are still here.  God’s work/word for me is Love!!!  To spread God’s Love, develop it in others, and utilize it to achieve positive goals in Kingdom living here on earth.  With nothing “but” Love to guide me a memory of a questioned asked to me by the “Love of my Life” came to my mind:  “Do you want to live or die?”  Then, another endearing memory of her came of when she declared that if I were to die that through Love, she would resurrect me through the power of God.  The decision was made right then!!!  I chose to stay on Earth!!!  When I was finally granted a stay of execution, I already knew I wasn’t going to die and kind of chucked inside at how ridiculous it sounded to me when someone told me… it was just as ridiculous as telling me that I have eyes.  Yet, all I could say was:  “All Glory to God!”  The Chaplain and I prayed for thanksgiving and I was immediately brought back to Death Row on the Polunsky Unit.

Dear friends, when the Kingdom of God was through with its communion with me, it did not leave.  Trust me when I say that a piece of the Kingdom is still inside of me!  My Life is God’s now!  God is Love!  All of my positive works are due to God.  I claim no victory as my own.  I claim no Glory as my own, less the Glory of God in me through Jesus Our Christ.  Each breath I take is to the grace of God.  Pure Love is my goal and virtue.  No, I ma still not a Holy man of my own right, but through grace I am now in Him who is Holy forever and ever!  There is no such thing as a Holy man, unless He is in God!  I am just a Son of God’s.  A Son of Love!  Through Love I strive to do God’s work.  The Kingdom of God is no loner a probability to me.  It is a Truth that I will to live every single day.  I am no longer  in misery due to this Earth or its circumstances.  I chose this situation with full knowledge that the kingdom is Truth!  All Truth!!!  I am here to promote Love and to testify in the effectiveness of full Faith in God.  There must not be mere hope, but unwavering Faith in God.  All of our works must be done in the name of Love instead of a means to attain human glory or victory!  It has been shown to me that this is the key to all of our problems being solved.  

As for the Death Penalty, it’s self,  I believe that I stand as a symbol of the possibilities of change through Faith in God!!!!!!  I wasn’t granted a “stay of execution” due to my own case and my clemency was denied!  The Courts could have ruled on my “stay” either way.  They didn’t even have to hold up the execution.  While I made my decision –they made theirs.  Faith is all I had to stand on and the trust that God would put me where I needed to be for His will to have presidents over my own will.  Right now, I am here with you through Love and God’s grace, which is His will for my life… that I should live and not die!  Love is what I spread as a newborn… Blessed is the pet of God.  The Phoenix !  

Through this will, I seek to work with anyone in the way of Love and Peace.  Contact me and I will most definitely communicate with you on a level of progress in may facets.  Let’s make this world a better place through Love!  Whatever time granted to me will be dedicated to this cause through actions and not mere platitudes.  God’s will be done!  God Bless you all… 

 

Carlton A. Turner #999321

Polunsky Unit

3872 FM 350 South

Livingston , Texas 77351

 

CarltonTurner@deathrow-usa.com 

 

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